Ever seen a happy old couple and wonder if you are going to have a great love story too? A journalist once asked an elderly couple, “How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?” The lady replied, “We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.”
Relationships are essentially partnerships built on trust. Love, acceptance, respect, to be desired, security, passion, are all things a person may want in his or her relationship. As a matter of fact, these are necessities that probably everyone wants. There are certainly others and each person has different needs. However, it is the need to feel secure in a relationship that is a deciding factor in the longevity of the relationship. When you are in a relationship where you do not feel secure, you are likely to be very unhappy. You may do unreasonable things such as checking your partner’s phone or texting them several times at a go without getting a reply, not feeling better until they have replied to you. Feeling insecure in a relationship is sadly quite common, and it is not essentially the healthiest way to conduct a relationship.
Here is what you really need to feel secure in a relationship.
Treat them the way you did at the beginning of the relationship if you don’t want to see it end.
When you first start seeing someone you are trying really hard to amaze them and win them over. If you treat them the same way throughout the entire relationship, the spark won’t die and it will never get boring for the two of you.
Do not be casual or take them for granted.
When someone becomes a part of your routine it’s easy to overlook what it was like before they came into your life. You get relaxed. You get used to the way things happen. When you get too comfortable with having someone you stop making efforts. And this is disastrous. Never be casual and make them feel that they are not appreciated anymore. Keep doing things that matter to them, that is how you will keep them forever.
Do learn to compromise when need be.
Not always will things happen your way, and that’s okay. It doesn’t always have to be so. A relationship is built on sacrifices made by two people for each other. Avoid silly fights and learn to say yes sans any ifs and buts. You’ll save yourself a lot of arguments and time, both.
Don’t allow suspicion, jealousy or insecurities to get to you.
People might be tempted to hit on them and their exes will often rise from the past and stir up trouble. It is bound to happen, more so if your partner is physically attractive or popular. But do not let jealousy overcome you and make you do silly things. Take it in your pride that your partner is attractive and trust them to know their boundaries. Respect their space and have faith in your relationship. Trust is essential to make relationships last.
Pick your battles wisely.
Do not let every little thing that annoys you blow up and expand into huge trouble. Not everything is worth fighting for. Smart people know when to fight and when to bow their head in silence. Ultimately, it is the person that matters, not winning the argument. So be wise!
Inculcate a habit of surprising them every once in a while.
A long-term relationship and security come from having a spark in your relationship, and a great way to keep that spark alive is by never ceasing to surprise your better half. Things are bound to get boring when you have to spend an entire lifetime with the same person, but it is your ability to do tiny and big things for them that will keep the flame lit and bind you together.
Do not keep unrealistic expectations.
Take a minute and Think about the things you ask them. Is it realistic, doable and sane or some sort of fantasy you have about what you want the relationship to be? Put yourself in their shoes and imagine if they were demanding as much from me could I take it or could I do that? If the answer is in negative, you need to lower your expectations and set realistic standards. Expect only what you are willing to do yourself.
Don’t let unsaid things and unexpressed feelings bundle up.
The need to speak out and deal with things that bother you to a great extent cannot be emphasized enough. When you let damaging feelings build up what happens is it’ll all burst out at once and it might happen at a completely undesirable time. Instead of stifling your feelings and making your partner feel insecure, deal with emotions as they come and build a positive relationship, both with yourself and your partner.
Be vulnerable. It is not a weakness.
The only way to warmly connect with someone entirely is to let them peek into every part of who you are. The strongest relationships are with people who understand vulnerability is not a weakness. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your partner, it builds security in your relationship.
Do not play the blame game.
If there is something not going as per your wishes, or if your partner is not doing something you’d like them to, ask yourself whether you are doing what you need to on your end to push them to want to do that. If you would like them to be more spontaneous, ask yourself whether you are adding security to the relationship so that they can be freer. If you want them to be put a little more effort into the physical aspects of your relationships, are you building their confidence up and making them feel like the most gorgeous person so that they can confidently do something different? It’s never just one person that’s to blame for parts of relationships that aren’t where you might want them to be.
Give each other a healthy amount of space.
You don’t have to poke your nose into everything your partner does. Let the men have a Saturday to themselves and watch sports all day or the girls can have a big night out and not have their men constantly check up on them. As much time as you spend together it’s imperative to have a life apart or else you’ll grow too tired of each other.
Don’t rely on them for your happiness.
Your partner has not taken a lifelong charge of your happiness. It comes from the inside. Build security in your relationship, and you will be happier in each other’s company and satisfied even when they aren’t around too.
Help them reach their goals.
Let them aspire. And support them to become the best version of themselves. Encourage them to reach new heights. This builds a lot of security in your relationship and creates a healthy support system. To know that someone always has your back and will always help you is the best way to feel secure.
Accept them entirely as they are. Don’t ask them to change.
You need to love someone for what they are, not what you can turn them into. Yes, there might be lots of things they can improve upon and that could make you happy. But that will make them insecure and feel as if you do not love them at the moment. So stop doing that, don’t pinpoint faults and make them feel loved, even for their flaws.
Don’t hide things from them.
Honesty and openness are extremely important in a relationship. Be a little blunt when needed and tell them things even if it might hurt them. It is better to be blunt and honest than to be a liar.
Don’t put them down.
The world is already too harsh, you don’t need to add to their list of worries. Do not discourage them. Shower them with support and watch them flower. Their security from the relationship will translate into confidence and the world will watch in awe.
Don’t ever give up on your individuality.
Keep going to the gym, keep eating healthy, keep doing the things you love even if they don’t want to be a part of it all. Don’t let your uniqueness die. You can only keep them if you continue to grow and develop as an individual. Don’t stagnate your growth because you always want your partner to be around. Have your own life too.
Build a healthy relationship with their close ones.
Do not ask them to love their family or friends less if you don’t like them or they don’t like you. Also, it will be in your benefit to build a strong and healthy relationship with them. It will save you both some petty fights and the feeling of insecurity over not agreeing with each other.
Don’t stay stuck in the past and hold them against it.
We all have that someone who did not treat us right and damaged us in ways that leave a scar. But it has nothing to do with your present. Leave the past behind or else you will always have trust issues and insecurities. Your partner is not your ex, don’t compare two people.
Make equal efforts.
Meet them halfway. A relationship is not run on a single wheel. You both need to make an equal amount of efforts for each other. Because if one person is always doing more, it ultimately hurts their self-respect and creates deep fears that sprout from insecurities. Don’t let that happen!
Be mindful of your words, especially when angry.
Your words are never really forgotten, hence you should be careful of what you say to your partner. Even when angry, exercise restraint and don’t take things too far. Don’t utter things told to you in confidence, for you will regret it later on. Your partner will lose faith in you.
Don’t forget the big days.
Birthdays and Anniversaries are dear to every one, especially women. So make it a point to do something very special for your beloved on such days and needless to say, don’t forget it. It will make them feel hurt, unimportant and neglected. Carve out time, do something for them and make them feel wonderful.
Take an interest in your partner’s life and their likes.
Even if you don’t want to go along with them, make an effort to listen to the things they like and don’t be absent-minded. Look at their eyes sparkle when they talk about the things they love. After all, you expect the same kind of support from them as well. Put on your best smile and indulge in their likings once in a while. Who knows, you might end up liking it too.
Don’t demean them and believe in their dreams.
The world might doubt their ability but you should not. Be their cheerleader and lift their spirits even when they don’t feel so good about themselves. This is what relationships are for! Your support will carry them through their bad times.
Aid their learning and always be forgiving.
Every person has flaws. Perfection does not exist. There will be days when they get on your nerves and make you angry. But if they realize their fault and apologize, have a big heart and forgive them. Help them rectify their mistake and move on.
Eavesdropping and sneaking around is a big no.
Do not invade their private space. Don’t ask for social media passwords. Do not peep into their phone or laptop. You might stumble upon something you don’t like. Even the best relationships have things you are going to question if you find it. And you will find it. And it will upset you. The essential building block for every relationship is the conviction in your partner. You have to trust that even when you are not around, they are respecting you.
Express your love with an open heart.
Do not let them go to sleep with a feeling that you don’t love them. Even when something goes wrong, make it a point to express your love and tell them that you will work through every problem together.
Don’t hurt them.
Temptation is human nature. But we must learn to be happy with what we have in life. There will always be someone better looking or richer or more accomplished, but never the person who loves you as much as the one you have. Don’t give up on each other and don’t go searching for more. Be happy with what you have and nurture it. Watch it grow. This is how people stay together forever, this is the stuff great love stories are made up of.