The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.
Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!’
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a
smoker, I just really like certain songs.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.
Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.
A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!’
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’
I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Guess’.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’
It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something
I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
It’s funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don’t feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who’s doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it’s more possible.
Let no man’s deathbed be a futon.
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.